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Stay-At-Home Grandparents:
Caring for Your Children's Kids
By Cheryl Gochnauer
Copyright 2003
There was a time not so long ago when stay-at-home moms were
ignored by the media, misjudged by their neighbors, and overlooked
by the government. (Remember the 2000 U.S. Census, which listed
at-home parents as "nonworking"?) I’m happy to report,
however, that SAHMs have made great strides over the past couple
of years.
Now there are lots of books, websites and support groups catering
to SAHMs. Articles in major newspapers and national magazines
feature smiling moms taking time out to raise their little
ones. Single mothers share ideas on working from home so they
can be with their children. Even stay-at-home dads are in the
spotlight, enjoying growing acceptance of this once taboo male
lifestyle choice.
But there’s another stay-at-home group that can easily be
missed, simply because they traditionally fall into the "babysitter" category:
grandparents.
"I'm a SAHGM: a stay-at-home grandmother raising a special-needs
grandson," says Jean Kilts of Eatonville, Washington. "According
to the Washington State Department of Social and Health Services
(DSHS), there are an estimated 40,000 children in this state
alone who are being raised in homes headed by grandparents,
and those numbers are rising.
"We SAHGPs are a very stretched generation; still trying
to provide some model of stability for our own kids even if
they're in their 20s, 30s, or beyond. We're providing daily
hands-on care of our grandchildren, many of whom have special
physical, developmental, educational, and/or emotional needs.
We're trying desperately to prepare (financially and in every
other way) for our own rapidly-approaching retirement, or are
struggling to make it on a fixed, retirement income. And many
of us are providing at least some level of care for our own
elderly parents.
"Often we have lost much of our own friendship network
by stepping back into full-time parenting. We don't fit with
most friends our own age any more, and also don't fit with
the young parents of our grandchildren's peers. It can be a
little lonely. There are some support groups for people in
our situation, but accessing them isn't as easy at it sounds.
Many of the meetings conflict with the children's school schedules,
many of us don't like driving at night any more unless we absolutely
have to, and finding affordable, trustworthy child-care, especially
for special-needs kids, is a real challenge.
"So when you're thinking of the hassles of SAHMs, think
of us, too - doing it all despite arthritis aches and pains,
bifocals, and all those things my doctor refers to as ‘normal
processes of aging’, often putting off our own medical care
because we can't afford it AND provide what the children in
our care need; basically putting our own lives on hold because
a child or children need us.
"I hope I don't sound bitter," Jean continues. "We're
raising our grandson by choice and couldn't love him more if
he had been born to us. I quit my jobs (I was a foster home
recruiter, licensor, and trainer and was teaching at a local
community college) when it became clear that we were going
to raise him. That cut our income in half. It may sound incredible,
but we haven't missed the money. Higher income tax, business
lunches, having to drive a late model car, maintaining a working
wardrobe, etc. were sucking up most of my profits. It didn't
hurt that we're basically tightwads at heart!"
Do you have a SAHGM (or stay-at-home grandpa) in your life?
Let them know again how much you appreciate them, and help
them connect with other adults who are doing the same thing.
In short, give them the respect and support they deserve. After
all, they are a critical link in the upbringing of the child
you all love.
Comments? Write Cheryl@homebodies.org or
visit her website at www.homebodies.org. Cheryl's books, "So
You Want to Be a Stay-at-Home Mom" and "Stay-at-Home
Handbook: Advice on Finances, Parenting, Career, Surviving
Each Day & More" are
available at your favorite bookstore, or you can order an autographed
copy directly from Cheryl by following this link: http://www.gospelcom.net/homebodies/bookstore/orderSAHH.htm
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